Protecting Your Mental Health and Wellness in Your Post-Retirement Years

When the Thing You Least Expected Invades Your Life 

When I was building a career and raising a family as a single parent, my only concerns about growing older revolved around making sure I had enough savings to pursue all the crazy and wonderful things I had in mind for retirement – cross-country road-tripping, hiking in Peru, enjoying cafe au lait and croissants on the Champs-Élysée. 

Imagine my surprise – in the aftermath of a series of unusual, but life-altering situations, being semi-retired with time to myself for the first time in decades – finding myself experiencing anxiety and panic attacks. To be honest, I didn’t even properly understand what was happening at first. I recognized the anxiety, because like most people, I’ve endured that gut-clenching feeling many times – SAT tests, job interviews, first dates. We’ve all been there. 

I had also held down a fairly stressful job for years while raising two kids as a single parent, so I know what stress feels like. This was not that. I had never had a panic attack, and the only description I’d ever heard from sufferers was “an overwhelming feeling of doom” – which would be a great characterization if there was a correspondingly universal understanding of how doom feels.  

My experience was physical, rather than metaphysical. It felt as if something was literally gripping my insides, followed by a rushing crescendo of adrenaline that relaxed after about a minute and left me feeling depleted. And then it happened again six more times that first day and twice more the next. If it had kept up, I would likely have ended up in the ER. That’s how distressing it was. 

I haven’t had another one of these episodes in the three months since that first set, but I do have occasional, momentary anxiety and heart palpitations. Even these have gradually lessened as my workload and stress levels have stabilized – and as I have tried out things like deep breathing, getting more sleep, and cutting back on caffeine – but I’m not at all certain the anxiety monster is done with me. And that in itself can cause anxiety. 

What Do I Know and What Do I Do? 

I’m the kind of person for whom understanding problems and fixing them is written into my DNA. I recognized that whatever these attacks were, they were a wake-up call. This was my body inviting me to stop and take stock of my mental wellness. So, I did an inventory. 

In the months leading up to the day of the attacks, my ex-husband died. I found myself helping our children and his friends grieve, planning his funeral, and trying to figure out what to do with his earthly possessions. He was a researcher and writer who collected thousands of books over the years, some of which we have sold, but many of which now sit in boxes in my basement waiting to be organized for sale. 

His passing also had me gripping my insides in terror as it hit me that someday our children would be doing these same things all over again when I shuffle off this mortal coil. Over the past few years, I have lost enough friends and family that death had become a constant, but this was the man I had started out with on life’s path, and even though we had been divorced for 20 years, his was one of the hardest losses I’ve ever experienced. 

Which was completely unexpected. And it happened just as I was starting out in a new part-time job that, while not overly difficult, came with a sink-or-swim learning curve. At the same time, I had a serious falling out with my brother who had lived with me for eight years. He moved out without warning and left no forwarding address. I had just adopted a pair of sibling kittens when I unexpectedly also had to take in my ex-husband’s traumatized dog, who almost a year later is still with me.  

I was a little rattled. And for the first time in my 65 years, I was living completely alone.  

One thing I have realized is that the kinds of stress we routinely handle in our 30s, 40s, and 50s, can feel insurmountable when they happen later in life. I steadfastly refuse to think of myself as elderly at 66, and I believe that is the right approach, but that doesn’t mean these new emotional curves aren’t exacerbated by my age.  

The surprising thing is, as I was doing research for this post, I learned that I am not alone. These kinds of major upheavals at this time of life are common. It’s a phase of life we fully expect to be easy and stress-free, but the very changes that make these years wonderful can also produce anxiety. You are still alive, and life can be full and rich but also complicated, unnerving, and incomprehensible. Nobody is exempt from any of this. Bob Dylan wrote: “Even the president of the United States must sometimes have to stand naked.” 

Coping with Mental Health Challenges in Retirement 

Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes. Some people may find they are unnerved by the transition from dressing-for-success to lounging in tracksuits. A lot can change in retirement – your routine, your social life, your income, and yes, even the way you dress. (Does anyone wear tracksuits anymore?) Your emotions may be all over the place. 

Retired people can experience loneliness, boredom, depression, or isolation for the first time in their lives. Many retirees sell their homes and move closer to their kids, or into smaller, empty-nest homes, or even into retirement communities. And of course, as we grow older, friends can become chronically ill or die unexpectedly. It’s a lot of change, and it can be devastating.  

"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." – Joseph Campbell

Aging is part of our life’s journey. It can be a great time to explore who we are and what we want to do with the rest of our magnificent existence here on Planet Earth. What follows are suggestions and ideas to consider as you navigate along your path.

---

Disclaimer: I am neither a medical nor a mental health professional. These are suggestions and ideas that have worked for me.  

---

Take Stock – See a Professional

• Make an inventory. If you are feeling sad, anxious, nervous, or inexplicably angry too much of the time, the first thing to do is assess yourself. Figure out what’s happening. Make an inventory of what’s robbing you of your joy. 

• Suicidal thoughts are not normal. If you are having any thoughts of suicide or are thinking about how easy it would be to just let go, call your doctor today. Do not wait. Tell your spouse or closest friend or children. Tell somebody. The CDC says that while depression is not a “normal” part of aging, older adults are more at risk for it.  

• Medication or meditation. Consider talking to a counselor. First, see your primary physician, rule out any physical issues, and ask for a referral. Finding the right counseling “fit” can take some time, so be prepared. There are behavioral changes you can make to address anxiety, which a cognitive behavioral therapist (CBT) can guide you through. Your therapist can also connect you with a medical professional who can prescribe medication.  

• Get your yearly check-up. See your primary physician regularly. Don’t get out of this routine simply because your other routines may have disappeared in this new phase of life. Continue to see your doctor every year. Keep a running list of the things you want to discuss with your doctor throughout the year, so you don’t forget anything. 

Get the Lead Out 

Have fun with your life. Find, create, or resume everyday practices that will help keep you mentally healthy. I’m a work in progress, so my results are still coming in, but these are a few things that have helped me.

• Have you ever kept a journal? For many people, just the thought of trying to write something about their lives may feel as impossible as climbing Mt. Everest. About nine years ago, I read about how to start a gratitude journal that said basically – just start with one sentence a day. I wrote my first journal sentence on January 1, 2016, but quickly – because I can’t write just one sentence – I was spewing paragraphs into a Google document daily (and not just about gratitude). Journaling is an effective way to process and filter through the events of the day, which may help reduce anxiety. Suggestion: Open a Google document or buy a cheap little notebook at the dollar store (I like these notebooks from Amazon), and every day, write one sentence about your day. Set an alarm on your phone if you need a reminder. (Don’t blame me if you quickly find yourself writing pages at a time.) 

• Find your creative muse. Everybody is creative. Everybody. What form creativity takes in your life can cover just about anything your brain can imagine. An old friend of mine likes to visit swamps and tropical rainforests in South America and Indonesia, looking for birds, snakes, turtles, reptiles, and all the icky things you could never pay me to touch. He takes beautiful photos and writes about his adventures on his blog. He was an IT guy in his previous life. Another friend who worked in marketing and always thought of herself as a writer has laid down her pen and picked up a sewing needle to make quilts. I wrote a novel in 2020 and recently started writing poetry, something I never thought I could do. I also host a podcast with my daughter. Maybe it’s gardening or glassblowing for you. Suggestion: Your local community college may offer options for non-degree-seeking students in drawing, painting, dancing, learning an instrument, and more. Don’t be shy. Creating something with your mind and your hands may be just what you need.

• Buy the clothes you need for the lifestyle you have. This may sound silly (and it’s clearly a recurring theme here), but don’t keep buying dresses and suits, no matter how beautiful and tempting they are, if your life is now more about outdoor activities, playing with grandkids, or refinishing old furniture. Staring down those three-piece suits in your closet could become a sad reminder of what you left behind rather than a cheerful recognition of the path ahead. Suggestion: Keep a few nice pieces for special events and donate the rest. If you exercise a lot, leggings and tee-shirts may become your new uniform. If you like to garden, save old tennis shoes and let them get muddy and disgusting. If you meet friends for a meal and wanna look good, you are now at a stage where you can dress how you want to dress, so pull out those hats you’ve been saving, the way my fashionista friend Laurie does, or wear the leopard-print boots you bought during the pandemic when everything was on sale but you had nowhere to go to show them off (ok, that would be me). Have fun with your wardrobe! 

• Take a deep breath. This practice has been around for a long time. I first learned about calming breathing and relaxation exercises during childbirth classes, but the ones for stress and anxiety are a lot easier. Seriously, just breathe in, hold it, breathe out slowly. For more information, check out this easy set of instructions from WebMD.

• Sometimes you just need a nap. If I am having an anxious or emotionally off-kilter day, crawling into bed with a book, my phone on silent, the blinds drawn, and my fan on (I’m a fan sleeper) –and relaxing, or even falling asleep for a while, is a great home remedy. 

• The usual suspects. It should go without saying, but I’m gonna say it anyway. Get a good night’s sleep. Exercise regularly. Eat a healthy diet, full of fiber, because gut health and mental health go hand in hand. These are effective tools for protecting both your mental and physical health. 

• Go younger? Consider finding a younger doctor. When I retired, I found a doctor who is in my kids’ age cohort. Medical students are being trained differently today. They have been trained to be good listeners. My previous doctor had a warm, lively chair-side manner and was my age, but he tended to brush off my concerns with jokes and funny tales. My new doctor not only takes me seriously, but she also listens, researches my questions, and learns from me. 

Fighting Isolation After a Lifetime of Being Busy 

The CDC reports that a recent study by the National Academies of Science, Engineering, and Medicine (NAESM) indicated a third of adults 45 and older feel lonely, while a quarter of adults 65 and older may be socially isolated. Being alone or isolated can put you at a higher risk for dementia. 

Beth (second from right) with her walking group, Walk Ferguson. Walking with friends is a good way to fight isolation.

But also, it’s just not fun. Even for those of us who are introverted or borderline recluses, getting out of the house can keep us from going, well, crazy. And it’s not that hard.

• Call up your friends and meet for coffee. 

• Go to the library and sit in the periodical section and read all the magazines you want. Talk to the other readers while you’re there.

• Check out Meetup.com for groups in your area that may share your interests. 

• Consider joining AARP. It’s cheap (about $16 per year), and they have community partners who host events locally in almost every major city in the country. 

• Maybe get a part-time job? There are lots of fun ones out there. A friend of mine works at the Saint Louis Zoo. Heather – who- coproduces this blog – found happiness in the aisles of her local Hallmark store (and she has written about it here). Love movies? Some movie chains will let you see movies for free at any of their locations if you’re an employee. Love to read? Bookstores and libraries have openings! 

• Volunteer where your heart is. There are so many places that need you, including cultural institutions such as zoos and museums. Do you love animals? Pet shelters need help. Do your grandkids live far away and you miss them? Ready Readers and Oasis Intergenerational Tutoring are two organizations looking for adults to read to young children. My son built a wonderful and loving relationship with his Oasis tutor in grade school.  

• Break the Facebook habit. Social media can be a great tool for staying in touch, but we are starting to see the downside of too much time spent virtually with people rather than face to face. It can increase your feelings of anxiety, isolation, and depression. Suggestion: Allow yourself only so many allotted minutes each day to digitally connect, and then step away from the laptop!

Look for the Glimmers 

Photo 1: On her first retirement road trip, Beth stopped off in Winslow, Arizona. / Photo 2: Beth meditating with the sunflowers at Columbia Bottom Conservation Area along the Mississippi River in north St. Louis County.

Are you familiar with the idea of “glimmers”? They are small moments when something catches your attention, such as a breathtaking sunset or a child’s laughter, and you suddenly feel a surge of happiness and well-being. Stopping and allowing yourself to recognize that momentary pleasure – it could also be a memory, a song, or an idea you read about – is good for your mental health and your sense of peace. The term comes from Deb Dana, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, who describes glimmers as “micro moments that begin to shape our system in very gentle ways.” [Source: Newport Institute]   

"Beautiful young people are accidents of nature, but beautiful old people are works of art." – Eleanor Roosevelt

Sometimes I feel a glimmer when I’m just standing in the kitchen, pulling a meal together for myself, and I realize that my life today is right where I want it to be. I worked a long time to get here, and it wasn’t always easy. It’s not always easy now, and yet I am so happy to be here, to be healthy, to have interesting friends and work I enjoy, to have a schedule I make myself, and to see my kids grow into productive and inspiring young adults.  

Enjoy the glimmers. 

Take-Aways: 

1. Recognize the issue. 

2. Make an inventory. 

3. Talk to a medical professional. 

4. Stay active and creative. 

5. Fight isolation. 

6. Look for the glimmers.

Beth von Behren is a writer who has been published in the St. Louis Post-Dispatch, St. Louis Magazine, and St. Louis Bride. She co-hosts a podcast with her daughter, "Woman Inherits the Earth," about women and movies and has written her first novel, "The Outskirts Cafe" (and is looking for a publisher). She has two grown children and lives in Ferguson, Missouri. You can follow her on Substck at stlwriterbeth.substack.com or on Instagram @stl_writer_beth.

---

Thanks for reading this post! We encourage you to comment – and if you do – would you consider signing off on your comment with your first name and last initial? We love to know who’s commenting, but we don’t want to require a sign-in to add your thoughts.

If you want to receive an email reminder about each new post, just visit this page to sign up (it’s easy, you can unsubscribe anytime, and we send only one email a week).

~ Heather M. and Jodi B.