The Different Types of Friends We Need in Our Lives
I've always believed that life is better with good friends. But the older I get, the more I realize that we don't necessarily need one friend who does it all.
We Need Different Types of Friends
We need the friend we can call when we need to vent. The friend who will walk miles with us. The friend who makes us laugh until we can't breathe. The friend who remembers who we were 30 or 40 years ago. The friend who will tell us the truth, even when it's not what we want to hear.
And perhaps most importantly, we need friends who encourage us to keep growing.
As I thought about National Friendship Month and the many friendships I've been fortunate to have throughout my life, I started thinking about the different roles my friends play. Some people show up in more than one category – and some friendships have changed and deepened over time.
That's particularly true for me in retirement. I have more time now to nurture friendships that may have been harder to maintain during my working years. And I'm discovering that friendship in this season of life can be just as rich, meaningful and fun as it has ever been.
Here are a few of the kinds of friends I am especially grateful for.
The Friends We Can Vent To
Let's start with the obvious.
We all need someone we can call when we've had one of those days. Not necessarily because we want a solution, but because sometimes we just need to say, "You're not going to believe what happened."
My brother Sean is one of those people for me. Because we're siblings, we have the added benefit – or perhaps the added challenge – of understanding family dynamics from the inside. We talk about the nuances of navigating family challenges and figuring out how to support the people we love without losing our minds in the process.
We've also both worked in marketing, so over the years we've shared plenty of career war stories. There is something comforting about talking to someone who doesn't need a lengthy explanation because they've lived through some of the same situations.
Then there are Kathy and Terri, my longtime friends and former colleagues. After spending three decades working together at our local community college, we had plenty of material for venting sessions. Internal politics and limited budgets made for some very interesting lunch conversations!
And sometimes, that's exactly what friends are for.
Takeaways:
Find a friend with whom you can be completely honest.
Remember that venting doesn't always require a solution. Sometimes being heard is the solution.
Return the favor. Be a safe place for your friends to unload, too.
The Friends Who Make Great Travel Buddies
Travel has a way of testing a friendship. You're spending long stretches of time together, making decisions, navigating unfamiliar places, getting hungry and occasionally discovering that what one person calls "a couple of blocks" means something entirely different to the other person.
Andrea and I learned this firsthand in New York City.
Andrea is a strong walker with a long stride and a brisk pace. Me? Not so much – especially on the days when we made those trips to New York. I was perpetually several steps behind while Andrea assured me our next destination was "only a couple of blocks away." Her definition of a couple of blocks apparently included eight or nine blocks, ha!
We laugh about it now. And I'm happy to report that my pace and stamina have improved, so perhaps I'll be better prepared for our next adventure.
Kathy and I had a different kind of travel adventure when we took a train trip through eastern Canada last year. We imagined an exotic train excursion through the Maritime towns and provinces. What we got was less than 36 hours on the train, including an overnight stay in a sleeper cabin with uncomfortable bunk beds and very little sleep.
We could still feel the motion of the train hours after we got off.
Fortunately, the rest of Canada more than made up for that experience with quaint towns, beautiful scenery, historic sights, wonderful meals and plenty of shopping.
That's another thing about a good travel buddy: even when the trip doesn't go according to plan, you have someone with whom to laugh about it later.
Takeaways:
The best travel companion isn't necessarily the person with the same interests – it's someone who can laugh when things go sideways.
Don't let one bad experience define a trip. The unexpected often becomes the best story.
If you've been talking about taking a trip with a friend, maybe it's time to make the plan.
The Friends Who Walk Beside Us
Literally and figuratively.
Sally is one of my favorite walking companions. We met in college and became closer after she moved to the St. Louis area. She's hilarious and, quite honestly, one of the best storytellers I know (she’s even written a few for Friendsville Square).
Walking with Sally makes the miles disappear because there is always another story – about family, friends, current events or something that happened years ago that somehow becomes relevant to our conversation.
Andrea and Karen are also wonderful walking and hiking companions. A year or so ago, I tackled a hike in California that I had set as a personal goal. I knew I wanted to document hiking to Karen's Gratitude Garden in a Friendsville Square blog post, so it was important for me to make the hike alongside Karen.
It was a long hike (for me), but I'd trained for it. And having Andrea and Karen as coaches in preparation for the hike made all the difference.
That's what I love about walking friends. Sometimes they help us pass the time. Sometimes they help us reach a goal. And sometimes they help us realize we're capable of more than we thought.
Takeaways:
A walk is one of the simplest ways to combine friendship and taking care of yourself.
Find friends who will meet you where you are – and encourage you to go a little farther.
Some of life's best conversations happen when you're walking side by side.
The Friends Who Know Our History
There is something special about being known for a very long time.
Dan and Pamela have both been part of my life since high school. Pamela and I were college roommates, stood beside each other at our weddings and have shared more family dysfunction, laughter and tears than I could possibly recount here.
Dan and I even went to senior prom together as friends because neither of us was dating anyone. He asked me with a long, clever rhyming note he left in my locker. Very Dan. He remains a close friend, a trusted advisor, and a killer trivia night table mate.
Pamela and I have one particular college memory that still makes us laugh. We decided to try out for wrestling cheerleading – despite the fact that neither of us had ever been a cheerleader.
We were brave enough to try out. We persevered.
And then we both said the wrong mascot name at exactly the same time. Instead of "Bulldogs," we said "Wildcats." Together.
To this day, we have absolutely no idea why (it was one of my many embarrassing moments outlined in a blog post I shared a few years ago).
That's the kind of thing that happens when someone has known you for decades. They don't just know your current life. They know the ridiculous stories, the embarrassing moments and the versions of you that existed long before you became the person you are today.
Takeaways:
Longtime friends are keepers of our personal history. Treasure them.
Don't assume your oldest friends know how much you value them. Tell them.
Keep making new memories together. Shared history doesn't have to stop growing.
The Friends Who Cheer Us On
Some friends just seem to know how to make us feel better about ourselves.
Mia has become one of those friends for me, particularly because we are on a similar health journey. We've exchanged texts, phone calls, encouragement, tips and progress reports. Having someone who understands the ups and downs – and genuinely wants you to succeed – can make a difficult journey feel much less lonely.
Then there's Jan, another friend from high school who now lives in Denmark.
Several years ago, I was feeling a little down on myself. For my birthday, Jan and her bandmates wrote and recorded a song about me and sent me a CD. Now that is how you make someone feel better.
It's a good reminder that cheering someone on doesn't have to be complicated. Sometimes it's a text. Sometimes it's a phone call. And occasionally, apparently, it's a custom birthday song from Denmark.
Takeaways:
Celebrate your friends' progress, not just their big accomplishments.
A few encouraging words can have a much bigger impact than you realize.
When someone you love is struggling, find your own way to remind them of their worth.
The Friends Who Tell Us the Truth
This category may be one of the most valuable – and one of the hardest.
Andrea is a friend who places a high value on integrity, and she's given me some tough love during my own health journey. She's encouraged me to move more consistently, stay properly hydrated and practice moderation.
I didn't always want to hear it.
But I'm convinced I wouldn't be where I am today in my effort to become healthier and stronger without her encouragement – and her willingness to tell me the plain truth.
Pamela has also helped me navigate difficult family situations. As someone who knows my history and is a trained therapist, she has a unique perspective on how some of those experiences have affected my self-worth and even my professional life.
Those conversations haven't always been easy. But as I've gotten older, I've learned to appreciate the friends who love me enough to tell me something difficult when I need to hear it.
Takeaways:
Surround yourself with at least one friend who will challenge you when necessary.
There's a difference between criticism and loving honesty.
When a trusted friend tells you something uncomfortable, take a breath before getting defensive.
The Friends Who Make Us Laugh
Oh, how we need these friends.
Jim and I met in college in the mass communications program and have been friends ever since. He's a sportswriter, and his sarcastic wit shows up in his writing as well as in the stories we still share from our college days.
Sally is another one of those people who can make me laugh without even trying very hard. She loves puns and has a quick wit that has become part of the personality of our group of college friends. She even writes and performs silly songs on her guitar, complete with pun-filled rhymes, specifically to make her friends laugh.
There is something wonderfully restorative about being around people who make you laugh.
Life can be complicated. Getting older brings its own challenges. Sometimes you simply need someone who can make you laugh until whatever was bothering you doesn't seem quite so overwhelming.
Takeaways:
Don't underestimate the value of fun.
Make time for friends who bring out your silly side.
Laughter may not fix a problem, but it can certainly change how we feel about facing it.
The Friends Who Push Us to Keep Growing
This may be the friendship category I appreciate most in retirement.
When we're working, we're constantly learning. New responsibilities, new technology, new challenges and new expectations keep us growing whether we realize it or not.
Retirement can be different. We have more freedom, but we also have to be intentional about continuing to learn, explore and challenge ourselves. Fortunately, my friends don't let me become too comfortable.
Andrea has encouraged me to push myself physically. Kathy has taught me a great deal about organization and decorating, including a few ambitious baking days when we've tackled complicated recipes neither of us might have attempted alone.
Laurie keeps me active with walking, daytrips and museum visits. She's also a terrific source of book recommendations, introducing me to titles I might never have discovered on my own.
Jodi and I have turned our shared skills and interests into Friendsville Square. She's constantly looking for new places and experiences, including the road trip we took to visit Friendsvilles across the eastern United States – a trip filled with new sights, winding roads and wonderful people.
And Mia has reentered my life in a bigger way during retirement. We've traveled together, visited museums, joined a book club and stayed connected through those little texts of encouragement that can brighten an ordinary day.
These friendships remind me that retirement isn't about stopping. It's about having the time to decide what you want to learn, where you want to go and who you want beside you.
Takeaways:
Choose friends who inspire you to keep learning, exploring and trying new things.
Retirement can be a beginning, not an ending, when you surround yourself with people who help you stay curious.
Growth is easier, and a lot more fun, when you have friends beside you.
A Circle of Friends for Every Season
When I look at all of these friendships, I'm struck by how different they are – and how much each one adds to my life.
Some friends share my history. Others are helping me write the next chapter.
Some make me laugh. Some make me think. Some make me walk farther than I thought I could. Some listen when I need to vent. Some tell me what I don't want to hear. Some encourage me when I need a boost.
And some do several of those things at the same time.
I think that's one of the great gifts of getting older. We begin to understand that friendship isn't about finding one person who meets every need. It's about building a circle of people who feed different parts of our souls.
Retirement has given me something I didn't fully appreciate when I was working full time: time.
Time to reconnect with friends. Time to travel. Time to walk. Time to learn. Time to laugh. Time to sit around a table and talk about absolutely everything.
And time to appreciate just how fortunate I am to have so many different types of friends. Maybe that's something worth thinking about during National Friendship Month.
Who makes you laugh? Who challenges you? Who knows your history? Who will walk beside you? Who encourages you? And who might you be missing because you've been too busy to make the time?
Friendship doesn't have to look a certain way. It doesn't have to be decades old. It doesn't even have to be nearby.
But at every age – and perhaps especially in retirement – we need people who make our lives a little bigger, a little richer and a whole lot more fun.
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~ Heather M. and Jodi B.
Thank you for your ruminations on friendship. Reading this piece has helped me reflect on the friends who have been part of my journey. I'm grateful for this opportunity. Thanks for providing it. And thanks for being part of my circle of friends.